“You are not your sons genetic mother though right? That one cell has the largest impact on how the child looks, grows, diseases, even traits like intelligence and sometimes habits. You are your sons mother through and through but he does have an important figure out there. I really think it’ll be best for you to come to terms with this.”
This comment was posted to “I am the Mom!” This comment has been sitting in my comment box for about 6 months now.
When I first received this comment I was livid. How dare someone tell me I am not his genetic mother? As time passes and I come to terms with everything there is some truth in this comment. There is a part of me that I will never share with Ant. I have known this from the start. This comment just reminds me of my insecurities about egg donation.
Recently I had a conversation with someone on twitter about disclosure. She has a friend who has children via egg donation also. While they were discussing disclosure her friend told her to not disclose while her children were young. The reason for this mother not disclosing early is fear. The fear of her child telling her, “You aren’t my mommy.” As a parent via egg donation fear of rejection top my list. There is no doubt in my mind that some day those words will come out of Ant’s mouth (most likely in anger).
Fear of rejection can’t run our lives. We need to be open an honest with our children and put them first. Would someone let you adopt if you weren’t going to disclose to the child? One of the most important things as a parent is being open and honest with your child from the very beginning. Ant knows he is a very special boy and how much we love him. He will grow up always knowing about his conception, it is not to complicated for him. Start slow!
Back to the comment…the part that stung the most to me is looks. The dream of seeing myself physically in my child hasn’t left. It hurts me that my 1 cell wasn’t good enough to create a child. But you I can’t hid from the truth, Ant isn’t genetically related to me! There I said it! Are you happy? I am! I am happy because even though we don’t share these genes my love for you is overwhelming.
Hi there. Happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by my blog. People do say some insensitive things, but good on you for recognizing why it got to you.
I always like to think his belly button says it all. That is your physical link and it is the most important one there is. Your body nourished him for 9 months. Your blood sweat and tears brought him into this world. You parent him every day. You are his mother in every sense of the word. That’s what I think.
I am a 5 time egg donor now struggling with PCOS and infertility issues of my own. I in no way consider myself an “important figure” in any of my recipients’ children’s lives. I have absolutely no connection to my recipients’ children because that is not my connection to have. I was doing something nice for someone who needed it and paying for grad school. My only concern was possible inbreeding and since I’m having trouble conceiving myself, the likelihood of that is decreasing every day.
That person’s comment comes from a place of knowledge absence, through no fault of their own, just from the inability to know what you feel and know what egg donors feel.
And personally I think you came to terms with the “missing genetic link” when you chose the donor egg option. Beyond that I don’t think you should have to come to terms with anything else.
Your son is beautiful.
Wow! I’m sure the person that left this comment had no issues getting pregnant or they wouldn’t have left such a thoughtless comment. After reading your “I am the Mom” post, I find it amazing people still feel the need to leave comments like that. The donors are donors…NOT parents.
He does (and will) look like you just from living with you and gaining your habits. We just found an old picture of our adopted nephew, when he was about three… and our son looks JUST like him! They share no genes whatsoever. It’s not a genetic thing, but it’s a learned thing. He’ll watch you and imitate you because he loves you, and then you’ll see the similarities – a certain way of tilting your head when you smile, a particular way you raise your eyebrow, the way you shrug when you say “I don’t know.” And those are things he can’t get from anyone else.
This post (and the one that you linked to) is fascinating to me. While you might have used a donor egg, your baby grew inside you and the chemicals in your body interacted with him for those 36 weeks. He’s absolutely your biological child.
Visiting from ICLW. I’m sorry to hear that that comment was in your thoughts for so many months. It’s a close minded comment. Those things just don’t matter. At all. Your child is your child. Even genetic offspring can be very different from their parents. It’s all just random genes being selected. You are so very lucky to have been able to carry your child and mother him since being a tiny mass of cells. I’m so very happy that you got your miracle. Egg donation is fascinating.
“I am happy because even though we don’t share these genes my love for you is overwhelming”
I love this!!! As the mom to a donated embryo baby I have many of the same thoughts and insecurities. I am my daughter’s mother! Period! With that said I have great love and respect for the couple that donated the embryos to us and will support my daughter if ever she wants to locate them. But that will never change the fact that I am her mother.
Great post!
I’ve not thought much about donor eggs or donor sperm, but your post and the comments to it are just beautiful. I do agree that Ant is your son in every way that matters. Congratulations!
I don’t think that comment is bad, I think it’s all true. I think it’s good you’re at a place where you see the truth. You are his parent, but he does have a bio mother out there,
Ron, I just dislike the term “bio mom” when it comes to egg donation. Our donor gave us the most amazing gift of an egg to help us create our son and I don’t want to minimize that. Donors don’t donate to be moms they donate to help people who can’t conceive on their own become parents.
you are a parent because you choose to parent. You are a not the bio mom because your egg didn’t make a baby. he has two moms. The whole logic about blood in womb is silly. So if I get blood products from someone in the hospital, you think we’re related?