- Visits to the REs office for blood work and u/s
- Frequent visits to the REs office for test
- Scheduling your life around IF
The whole prospect of adding to our family is very exciting but I am finding this time around very different. My initial thoughts were participate in my last schedule race and transfer Tosicle. Since we are planning this time around there is a window of time I would like #2 to be born. I figure if we have to use fertility treatments, we might as well us them to our advantage.
The first time around I gave up many things while TTC and it was a long hard 3 years. Now that Ant is 4 I am finally starting to feel like I have regain myself. I love being an athlete, participating in running races and triathlons. My fear is that if this FET I could get swept up into the black hole of infertility.
I have two Triathlons planned for this summer one early summer and one late summer. My ultimate goal was to complete an Olympic distance triathlon and this is planned for early summer but I am already registered for my late summer race and I am afraid to skip it because what if the FET doesn’t work? Will I regret it? My DH has also requested that he be there when we find out if it worked. If we wait till after the race he won’t be here and EDD would be later then I would prefer.
Compared to the first time around, these seem like insignificant problems but they are the ones I am stuck on. These thoughts have been swirling for about a day now and I am starting to lean one direction but the fear holds me back.
(Our frozen embryo)
This week we met with the RE about bringing you home. At this point I am excited and scared. I am excited about the possibility of your older brother Ant having a baby sister or brother (BTW: your brother has requested a sister).
Over the last 5 years your dad and I have struggled with when the right time would be to add to our family. If it was up to me, you would have been here already but I am glad that we have waited. By the time you are here I will have my masters degree and your big brother will be getting ready for Kindergarten.
This is a scary time also because the RE gives us a 50% chance of you snuggling. We want our baby #2 to be you. Are we going to be lucky a second time? Or will we have to explore more options. My dear Totsicle I hope and pray that you snuggle in.
Your Hopeful Future Mom
We have known for awhile that in 2014 we would transfer our last embryo. Part of me has been anxiously awaiting adding to our family. In the last 6 months my life has completely changed. In May I started training for a Sprint Triathlon with my girlfriends. In the process of training, I remembered how much I love competing. I have found myself again! It has been absolutely amazing.
Now here we just over a month away from 2014 and there is a plan. My plan for 2014 is jam packed of races and transferring our little tosicle. Currently, I have 2 half marathons, 2 sprint triathlons, and hopefully an Olympic distance triathlon. Of course there will be more races but these ones will happen. After my last race the plan is to transfer our little totsicle.
With transfer being less then a year away it means it is time to make contact with my RE again. I am not excited about having to go through IF testing again or being on any fertility meds. The roller coaster is not the ride I want to be on. I just rediscovered myself and I don’t want to get lost again.
I hope to find more time to blog again. I need this outlet with our up coming transfer.
Some how we have made it almost 4 years without Ant asking this question. “When am I going to have a sister or brother?” Tonight as I am putting him to bed he asks me. Granted I am in shock over other news but I was caught off guard. Many of his friends have sibling but he hasn’t shown any interest until today.
Currently, I am feeling a little vulnerable. Back in August, Ant and I decided it was time to wean. I miss breastfeeding but we had the perfect ending. We both can still talk about it fondly. Race season is winding down (I am now a triathlete and a runner) and my focus is on other things. DH and I have started talking about when we want to transfer our tosicle too.
I was not ready for his question!
We have a plan for our sweet tosicle and I pray everything works out. Hopefully I can blog more later but I am exhausted.
On Monday Ant will be 3 years old. It has gone by so fast. Last year around this time I got very depressed about not being pregnant with our second child and knowing we were several years away was a hard pill to swallow. Some how I got passed it and have been enjoying life.
At the end of January my Grandma passed. She was my last living grandparent and I still haven’t dealt with this loss yet. Ant and I flew home to spend time with my family and it was great but my younger sister is pregnant with her third and see her pregnant is very hard for me. I am so jealous of how easy it is for her to conceive.
This trip has reignited my desire and want for a second child coupled with Ant’s birthday has made it even harder. Most the time I am staying positive but the soonest we will be able to start again is next year around this time. It is hard being patient.
We have become very close the last 6 months and I feel very blessed to have found a new church home. This new church home has taught me many things and has helped me to get to the place of understanding I am at today. I enjoy thanking you for my many blessings and enjoy praying for others but I have found there is one thing I am afraid to ask for. I am afraid to pray for another child. Maybe it is the many years of unanswered prayers? You did eventually answer our prayers with the blessing of our son Ant with the help of an egg donor.
During my trip home I was faced with my failures (or what feels like my failures). While I am excited for my sister’s blessings but I am just green with envy of how easy it is for her to add to her family. Watching Ant play with all his cousins and their siblings rekindled my longing to add to our family.
Lord her is my official prayer, I want to add to our family! I want to lift it up to you and you can guide us down this path. Whether you bless us with a little miracle, 100% genetic sibling to Ant, embryo donation, or adoption: I would feel blessed to have another opportunity to raise another child.
Thank Lord for all of your blessings.
Over the years of IF I have met many people and created many new friends. I will fully admit I have bitter moments but they don’t happen very often anymore. About a week ago I had a bitter moment because it seemed everyone on Facebook was pregnant again. While I am
100% 98% happy that we are not pregnant or planning to cycle anytime soon but that little bit of jealousy or bitterness sneaks up on me.
While my IF friends some still in the trenches and others have graduated can still be very bitter and judgments of our so-called “fertile friends.” We are surrounded by fertile people or the single people who are surrounded by married people. There are just things we suck at for me it is getting pregnant. I am just done with bitterness because it brings me down to dark places and I love the light. I love my family and the many blessing it has given me. I want to leave the bitterness behind and focus on the future.
I have been meaning to post for months now but every time I start a post I never finish. Here is a really quick update and hopefully I will be writing more soon.
This has truly been an amazing but busy 4 months. Hopefully this is the start to many more posts to come!
It has been a long time since I have posted. There has been a lot going on but not much to write about. Tonight was the first night in a long time I felt the need to write down feelings. Sorry if this makes no sense but these are just some “Late Night Ramblings.”
Late night ramblings:
For the most part things have been going great. I feel so blessed…but there is still a little part of me that is still a little depressed. In my now very busy everyday life there is very little time to confront this feeling but when I find down time this feeling creeps up on me.
There is no real reason for me to feel this way because today turned out perfectly. The dentist appointment for my crown happened. There were many things that could have prevented this appointment but everything just worked out. Also, when it came time to pay this week just happens to be “crown week” when you get $100 off your crown. How is that possible that everything worked out perfectly today.
Now after a “perfect” day I feel a little sad. My heart aches. Maybe a few to many references to infertility today. Maybe I am nervous for my mid-term tomorrow.
Infertility has been a part of my life for at least 5 years now. Since we started TTC in 2006 I am finally out of the fog of infertility but there are still a few times when infertility sneaks up on me. After a perfect day, she rears her ugly head to remind me that no everything goes perfectly. Obviously in my late 20′s we needed an egg donor to conceive our amazing son. Infertility keeps me grounded but I don’t always want to be grounded because I want to have faith again. I am not going to let infertility hold me back anymore. Infertility has stolen enough from me (us).
Infertility you may make my heart ache still but you will not be stealing anything else from me. You get this hour but no more. You are not bringing me down again!