Snowy Day

1898229_10152031740178335_815329120_n After many years of living with infertility I have learned that life is short.  It is so important to not let life pass you by.  At the end of February we traveled to Disney World for Ant’s 4th birthday and to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.  It was an amazing trip and I look forward to going back soon.

While in Disney World Ant ran his first race and I ran my second half marathon.  Ant loves running as much as his mother and I see many races in his future.  The Princess Half Marathon was amazing.  I look forward to next time when I am not rehabbing.  There are many more races in my future.


This picture is from today. We got another 6+ inches of snow and Ant was helping me remove it from my care.

FET is going as planned, all we need to do is some blood work and pick a transfer date.  Transfer day will be here before I know it.

Mix of emotions

I had my mock transfer yesterday and it has created a mix of emotions.  In the last 4 years I have enjoyed my freedom from infertility (minus a melt down or two).  For the first time in a long time we were living and enjoying our lives.  In the last 10 days I have had 3 fertility appointments!  It is exciting to know that the ball is rolling and Totsicle will come home with us soon but it also brings fear, jealousy, and apprehension.

For the first time in a long time I was in tears.  I was so overwhelmed that I have almost convinced myself that if this doesn’t work then we are done.  I may waiver on this later but I have decided that fertility testing is not for me.  It is to time consuming and restricting.

Now that I am over 24hrs removed I am feeling better about everything and all this test has brought a new found appreciation of the many blessings in our lives.  I hope in the next couple days to write an update about Ant.  He is such an amazing little boy, we have been so blessed.

The no talk zone

You can tell you are at a RE appointment when it is completely quiet in the waiting room. Everyone’s eyes are on their phone or a magazine. The women’s faces are sad, exhausted and hopeful. This is the third appointment in the last month and if I didn’t want a second child. I want to run out of this office screaming.

There are so many memories of past cycles, tests, and support groups. I pray that we are lucky this time around.

On the down low

Keeping secrets has never been easy for me, I was the person who over shares. DH asked me if I could try to not tell the whole world this time around and wait a normal (whatever that is) amount of time before announce a pregnancy(I am not pregnant). To keep things on the down low it has been hard for me because I want to tell my friends and family what is going. There are minor details I haven’t told friends about plans because of our transfer plan. This is also why I have been vague about when we are doing our FET. I don’t know if I will be able to not share as we prepare because this the place where I share my fears.

We have three things to check off before we are cleared for transfer. On Sunday I did blood work and ultrasound. Everything was normal except my FSH as expected. Tomorrow Is test #2. I can’t believe this is actually happening. We haves waited a long time.

When to transfer?

The whole prospect of adding to our family is very exciting but I am finding this time around very different.  My initial thoughts were participate in my last schedule race and transfer Tosicle.  Since we are planning this time around there is a window of time I would like #2 to be born.  I figure if we have to use fertility treatments, we might as well us them to our advantage.

The first time around I gave up many things while TTC and it was a long hard 3 years.  Now that Ant is 4 I am finally starting to feel like I have regain myself.  I love being an athlete, participating in running races and triathlons.   My fear is that if this FET I could get swept up into the black hole of infertility.

I have two Triathlons planned for this summer one early summer and one late summer. My ultimate goal was to complete an Olympic distance triathlon and this is planned for early summer but I am already registered for my late summer race and I am afraid to skip it because what if the FET doesn’t work?  Will I regret it?  My DH has also requested that he be there when we find out if it worked.  If we wait till after the race he won’t be here and EDD would be later then I would prefer.

Compared to the first time around, these seem like insignificant problems but they are the ones I am stuck on.  These thoughts have been swirling for about a day now and I am starting to lean one direction but the fear holds me back.

Dear Totsicle

Dear Totsicle,
(Our frozen embryo)

This week we met with the RE about bringing you home.  At this point I am excited and scared. I am excited about the possibility of your older brother Ant having a baby sister or brother (BTW: your brother has requested a sister).

Over the last 5 years your dad and I have struggled with when the right time would be to add to our family.  If it was up to me, you would have been here already but I am glad that we have waited.  By the time you are here I will have my masters degree and your big brother will be getting ready for Kindergarten.

This is a scary time also because the RE gives us a 50% chance of you snuggling.  We want our baby #2 to be you.  Are we going to be lucky a second time? Or will we have to explore more options.  My dear Totsicle I hope and pray that you snuggle in.


Your Hopeful Future Mom



Planning for Transfer

We have known for awhile that in 2014 we would transfer our last embryo.  Part of me has been anxiously awaiting adding to our family.  In the last 6 months my life has completely changed.  In May I started training for a Sprint Triathlon with my girlfriends.  In the process of training, I remembered how much I love competing.  I have found myself again!  It has been absolutely amazing.

Now here we just over a month away from 2014 and there is a plan.  My plan for 2014 is jam packed of races and transferring our little tosicle.  Currently, I have 2 half marathons, 2 sprint triathlons, and hopefully an Olympic distance triathlon.  Of course there will be more races but these ones will happen.  After my last race the plan is to transfer our little totsicle.

With transfer being less then a year away it means it is time to make contact with my RE again.  I am not excited about having to go through IF testing again or being on any fertility meds.  The roller coaster is not the ride I want to be on.  I just rediscovered myself and I don’t want to get lost again.

I hope to find more time to blog again.  I need this outlet with our up coming transfer.

Fall time fun!

Fall time fun!

The Dreaded Question

Some how we have made it almost 4 years without Ant asking this question. “When am I going to have a sister or brother?” Tonight as I am putting him to bed he asks me. Granted I am in shock over other news but I was caught off guard. Many of his friends have sibling but he hasn’t shown any interest until today.

Currently, I am feeling a little vulnerable. Back in August, Ant and I decided it was time to wean. I miss breastfeeding but we had the perfect ending. We both can still talk about it fondly. Race season is winding down (I am now a triathlete and a runner) and my focus is on other things. DH and I have started talking about when we want to transfer our tosicle too.

I was not ready for his question!

We have a plan for our sweet tosicle and I pray everything works out.  Hopefully I can blog more later but I am exhausted.

3 Years, Loss, and Infertility

On Monday Ant will be 3 years old. It has gone by so fast. Last year around this time I got very depressed about not being pregnant with our second child and knowing we were several years away was a hard pill to swallow. Some how I got passed it and have been enjoying life.

At the end of January my Grandma passed. She was my last living grandparent and I still haven’t dealt with this loss yet. Ant and I flew home to spend time with my family and it was great but my younger sister is pregnant with her third and see her pregnant is very hard for me. I am so jealous of how easy it is for her to conceive.

This trip has reignited my desire and want for a second child coupled with Ant’s birthday has made it even harder. Most the time I am staying positive but the soonest we will be able to start again is next year around this time. It is hard being patient.