Snowy Day

1898229_10152031740178335_815329120_n After many years of living with infertility I have learned that life is short.  It is so important to not let life pass you by.  At the end of February we traveled to Disney World for Ant’s 4th birthday and to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.  It was an amazing trip and I look forward to going back soon.

While in Disney World Ant ran his first race and I ran my second half marathon.  Ant loves running as much as his mother and I see many races in his future.  The Princess Half Marathon was amazing.  I look forward to next time when I am not rehabbing.  There are many more races in my future.

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This picture is from today. We got another 6+ inches of snow and Ant was helping me remove it from my care.

FET is going as planned, all we need to do is some blood work and pick a transfer date.  Transfer day will be here before I know it.

Mix of emotions

I had my mock transfer yesterday and it has created a mix of emotions.  In the last 4 years I have enjoyed my freedom from infertility (minus a melt down or two).  For the first time in a long time we were living and enjoying our lives.  In the last 10 days I have had 3 fertility appointments!  It is exciting to know that the ball is rolling and Totsicle will come home with us soon but it also brings fear, jealousy, and apprehension.

For the first time in a long time I was in tears.  I was so overwhelmed that I have almost convinced myself that if this doesn’t work then we are done.  I may waiver on this later but I have decided that fertility testing is not for me.  It is to time consuming and restricting.

Now that I am over 24hrs removed I am feeling better about everything and all this test has brought a new found appreciation of the many blessings in our lives.  I hope in the next couple days to write an update about Ant.  He is such an amazing little boy, we have been so blessed.

On the down low

Keeping secrets has never been easy for me, I was the person who over shares. DH asked me if I could try to not tell the whole world this time around and wait a normal (whatever that is) amount of time before announce a pregnancy(I am not pregnant). To keep things on the down low it has been hard for me because I want to tell my friends and family what is going. There are minor details I haven’t told friends about plans because of our transfer plan. This is also why I have been vague about when we are doing our FET. I don’t know if I will be able to not share as we prepare because this the place where I share my fears.

We have three things to check off before we are cleared for transfer. On Sunday I did blood work and ultrasound. Everything was normal except my FSH as expected. Tomorrow Is test #2. I can’t believe this is actually happening. We haves waited a long time.

When to transfer?

The whole prospect of adding to our family is very exciting but I am finding this time around very different.  My initial thoughts were participate in my last schedule race and transfer Tosicle.  Since we are planning this time around there is a window of time I would like #2 to be born.  I figure if we have to use fertility treatments, we might as well us them to our advantage.

The first time around I gave up many things while TTC and it was a long hard 3 years.  Now that Ant is 4 I am finally starting to feel like I have regain myself.  I love being an athlete, participating in running races and triathlons.   My fear is that if this FET I could get swept up into the black hole of infertility.

I have two Triathlons planned for this summer one early summer and one late summer. My ultimate goal was to complete an Olympic distance triathlon and this is planned for early summer but I am already registered for my late summer race and I am afraid to skip it because what if the FET doesn’t work?  Will I regret it?  My DH has also requested that he be there when we find out if it worked.  If we wait till after the race he won’t be here and EDD would be later then I would prefer.

Compared to the first time around, these seem like insignificant problems but they are the ones I am stuck on.  These thoughts have been swirling for about a day now and I am starting to lean one direction but the fear holds me back.

Dear Totsicle

Dear Totsicle,
(Our frozen embryo)

This week we met with the RE about bringing you home.  At this point I am excited and scared. I am excited about the possibility of your older brother Ant having a baby sister or brother (BTW: your brother has requested a sister).

Over the last 5 years your dad and I have struggled with when the right time would be to add to our family.  If it was up to me, you would have been here already but I am glad that we have waited.  By the time you are here I will have my masters degree and your big brother will be getting ready for Kindergarten.

This is a scary time also because the RE gives us a 50% chance of you snuggling.  We want our baby #2 to be you.  Are we going to be lucky a second time? Or will we have to explore more options.  My dear Totsicle I hope and pray that you snuggle in.

Love,

Your Hopeful Future Mom

 

 

Totsicle: Time to renew

This week we received the paperwork for “totsicle.”  Totsicle has been on ice for 3 years now.  I often think about our family planning.  Every year I have opened this letter and start to think about when it will be time to do the FET.  Right now still isn’t the time, as  much as I would like it to be.  It breaks my heart but it all comes down to MONEY.  Realistically looking at finances we could transfer Totsicle in 2 years.

At times it is hard to accept this path that was chosen for us but I am so grateful for my renewed faith.  I will talk about this more in a later post.

Till, the time to transfer Totsicle I guess I am going to live my life to its fullest.  First enjoy Ant as much as possible, I know life will change once we are finally able to add to our family.  Finally finish my Masters degree!  If I take classes every semester and summer I will be finished in 2 years.  Go on a family vacation that doesn’t involve visiting family.  Since moving away we have been on 1 vacation and I think that was about 5 years ago.  It is time for a vacation.

 

The Sweetest Comment

I wanted to share this comment with you since it was posted on my old blog space.  It was posted to I am the Mom. 

Dear loving MOM of Ant!

I am a previous egg donor and it was very interesting to read your blog. I do understand your feelings and I agree, YOU are the only MOM your son has. 

When I donated my eggs I was very much open to either “meet the parents” or not, respecting their wishes. Fr my surprise they asked if I would like to meet them. It was very emotional and AWESOME! Not one second I felt like it is a competition between “who is the mom”. It was more that I felt connected with “my couple” and I was proud and grateful that they had chosen me to help them receive THEIR baby! They asked me if I would like to stay in contact with them and maybe even “be involved” in the soon-to-be-born childs life. And not one second did I think the would mean I am the mom. it made me feel like “my very close friends are having a baby and I’ll be kind of an aunt”. 

I already have a 10 year old son (who does not know about the donation). This is the only thing that holds me back right now. Because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I am thinking about a good way to make everyone happy. I do believe that (if the parents agree, and only then!) the conceived child has the right to know its genetic background.

Don’t worry: you are the only mom. And I agree with someone’s comment that this girl who wrote the article probably did not mean to sound the way she comes across. It’s just the term that causes trouble. 

Congratulations to you for being the mom of a healthy boy :)

It is always great to hear from egg donor, especially ones like this.

The Protector

I have never been afraid of telling anyone about how we conceived Ant but as some things change in our lives.  DH recently got a job being a choir director at a Baptist church.  This has been a huge change for me attending a Baptist church compared to my Lutheran roots.

At the church we were attending everyone knew of our struggles to conceive and they were very supportive. I even had a great conversation with our Pastor about using an egg donor.  To my surprise he was 100% supportive of our choice.  We were very comfortable.

Since DH started we have been attending with him every week and have enjoyed getting to know everyone at the church.  Since I didn’t grow up Baptist and don’t know all of the differences yet, I am reluctant to share Ant’s story with anyone.  There a few things that need to be decided before we would officially decide joining this new church.

Also, about a week ago our daycare provider (Danny) was asking me about having more children.  She was very sweet about it and I gave her the PG version,  “Ant was very expensive and took many years to conceive. We would like another but we have to wait and see.”  After telling Danny this I saw a crucifix hanging from her neck and was fearfully she would start treating Ant differently now.  With all the Catholic talk lately it is making more worry.  Of course Danny treats us the same but the older Ant gets the more I worry.

As Ant’s mother I want to protect him from people who don’t accept his conception or would think he is less of a person because he was created with the help of an egg donor.  At times I think it is silly to worry about things like this but I know people like this exist.  Luckily, no one has out right confronted us, maybe they just talk behind our backs? It is so important to build a safe and accepting base for Ant.  As a child via egg donation I feel it is even more important for him because he is already different then many of his piers.  Egg donation is not the norm.

I know I can’t protect Ant from every situation but I am going to do my best to give him the most supportive environment as possible.

 

Acceptance

After lots of ups and downs over the last 7 years, I believe I am finally at a place of acceptance of our situation.  The chances of us conceiving with my eggs is pretty much slim to none but I accept that Ant could possibly be our only child but I am open to many other ways to building our family.

Currently, we aren’t trying but we are not preventing.  It took a few cycle to get to this point but I am feeling at peace and can enjoy life without the constant worry about being pregnant, missing ovulation, or even missing my last viable egg.  Life is moving and I don’t want to miss out on any of Ant special moments in life because I am so wrapped up in creating a brother or sister for him.

There are still moments where I ache to make Ant a big brother but those moments happen less and less.  Just this past week someone commented on when there was going to be a #2 because Ant was being a helper to one of the babies at breastfeeding support group.  It is getting so easy to brush off these comments.

With all family building plans far in the future, it is easier to enjoy life.  There is still a lot of uncertainty about what steps we are going to take but for now that doesn’t matter.  When it is time we will make the decision.  The only decision set in stone is a FET sometime.  After that no decision has been made.