(Our frozen embryo)
This week we met with the RE about bringing you home. At this point I am excited and scared. I am excited about the possibility of your older brother Ant having a baby sister or brother (BTW: your brother has requested a sister).
Over the last 5 years your dad and I have struggled with when the right time would be to add to our family. If it was up to me, you would have been here already but I am glad that we have waited. By the time you are here I will have my masters degree and your big brother will be getting ready for Kindergarten.
This is a scary time also because the RE gives us a 50% chance of you snuggling. We want our baby #2 to be you. Are we going to be lucky a second time? Or will we have to explore more options. My dear Totsicle I hope and pray that you snuggle in.
Your Hopeful Future Mom
This week we received the paperwork for “totsicle.” Totsicle has been on ice for 3 years now. I often think about our family planning. Every year I have opened this letter and start to think about when it will be time to do the FET. Right now still isn’t the time, as much as I would like it to be. It breaks my heart but it all comes down to MONEY. Realistically looking at finances we could transfer Totsicle in 2 years.
At times it is hard to accept this path that was chosen for us but I am so grateful for my renewed faith. I will talk about this more in a later post.
Till, the time to transfer Totsicle I guess I am going to live my life to its fullest. First enjoy Ant as much as possible, I know life will change once we are finally able to add to our family. Finally finish my Masters degree! If I take classes every semester and summer I will be finished in 2 years. Go on a family vacation that doesn’t involve visiting family. Since moving away we have been on 1 vacation and I think that was about 5 years ago. It is time for a vacation.
I wanted to share this comment with you since it was posted on my old blog space. It was posted to I am the Mom.
Dear loving MOM of Ant!
I am a previous egg donor and it was very interesting to read your blog. I do understand your feelings and I agree, YOU are the only MOM your son has.
When I donated my eggs I was very much open to either “meet the parents” or not, respecting their wishes. Fr my surprise they asked if I would like to meet them. It was very emotional and AWESOME! Not one second I felt like it is a competition between “who is the mom”. It was more that I felt connected with “my couple” and I was proud and grateful that they had chosen me to help them receive THEIR baby! They asked me if I would like to stay in contact with them and maybe even “be involved” in the soon-to-be-born childs life. And not one second did I think the would mean I am the mom. it made me feel like “my very close friends are having a baby and I’ll be kind of an aunt”.
I already have a 10 year old son (who does not know about the donation). This is the only thing that holds me back right now. Because I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I am thinking about a good way to make everyone happy. I do believe that (if the parents agree, and only then!) the conceived child has the right to know its genetic background.
Don’t worry: you are the only mom. And I agree with someone’s comment that this girl who wrote the article probably did not mean to sound the way she comes across. It’s just the term that causes trouble.
Congratulations to you for being the mom of a healthy boy
It is always great to hear from egg donor, especially ones like this.
I have never been afraid of telling anyone about how we conceived Ant but as some things change in our lives. DH recently got a job being a choir director at a Baptist church. This has been a huge change for me attending a Baptist church compared to my Lutheran roots.
At the church we were attending everyone knew of our struggles to conceive and they were very supportive. I even had a great conversation with our Pastor about using an egg donor. To my surprise he was 100% supportive of our choice. We were very comfortable.
Since DH started we have been attending with him every week and have enjoyed getting to know everyone at the church. Since I didn’t grow up Baptist and don’t know all of the differences yet, I am reluctant to share Ant’s story with anyone. There a few things that need to be decided before we would officially decide joining this new church.
Also, about a week ago our daycare provider (Danny) was asking me about having more children. She was very sweet about it and I gave her the PG version, ”Ant was very expensive and took many years to conceive. We would like another but we have to wait and see.” After telling Danny this I saw a crucifix hanging from her neck and was fearfully she would start treating Ant differently now. With all the Catholic talk lately it is making more worry. Of course Danny treats us the same but the older Ant gets the more I worry.
As Ant’s mother I want to protect him from people who don’t accept his conception or would think he is less of a person because he was created with the help of an egg donor. At times I think it is silly to worry about things like this but I know people like this exist. Luckily, no one has out right confronted us, maybe they just talk behind our backs? It is so important to build a safe and accepting base for Ant. As a child via egg donation I feel it is even more important for him because he is already different then many of his piers. Egg donation is not the norm.
I know I can’t protect Ant from every situation but I am going to do my best to give him the most supportive environment as possible.
After lots of ups and downs over the last 7 years, I believe I am finally at a place of acceptance of our situation. The chances of us conceiving with my eggs is pretty much slim to none but I accept that Ant could possibly be our only child but I am open to many other ways to building our family.
Currently, we aren’t trying but we are not preventing. It took a few cycle to get to this point but I am feeling at peace and can enjoy life without the constant worry about being pregnant, missing ovulation, or even missing my last viable egg. Life is moving and I don’t want to miss out on any of Ant special moments in life because I am so wrapped up in creating a brother or sister for him.
There are still moments where I ache to make Ant a big brother but those moments happen less and less. Just this past week someone commented on when there was going to be a #2 because Ant was being a helper to one of the babies at breastfeeding support group. It is getting so easy to brush off these comments.
With all family building plans far in the future, it is easier to enjoy life. There is still a lot of uncertainty about what steps we are going to take but for now that doesn’t matter. When it is time we will make the decision. The only decision set in stone is a FET sometime. After that no decision has been made.
“You are not your sons genetic mother though right? That one cell has the largest impact on how the child looks, grows, diseases, even traits like intelligence and sometimes habits. You are your sons mother through and through but he does have an important figure out there. I really think it’ll be best for you to come to terms with this.”
This comment was posted to “I am the Mom!” This comment has been sitting in my comment box for about 6 months now.
When I first received this comment I was livid. How dare someone tell me I am not his genetic mother? As time passes and I come to terms with everything there is some truth in this comment. There is a part of me that I will never share with Ant. I have known this from the start. This comment just reminds me of my insecurities about egg donation.
Recently I had a conversation with someone on twitter about disclosure. She has a friend who has children via egg donation also. While they were discussing disclosure her friend told her to not disclose while her children were young. The reason for this mother not disclosing early is fear. The fear of her child telling her, “You aren’t my mommy.” As a parent via egg donation fear of rejection top my list. There is no doubt in my mind that some day those words will come out of Ant’s mouth (most likely in anger).
Fear of rejection can’t run our lives. We need to be open an honest with our children and put them first. Would someone let you adopt if you weren’t going to disclose to the child? One of the most important things as a parent is being open and honest with your child from the very beginning. Ant knows he is a very special boy and how much we love him. He will grow up always knowing about his conception, it is not to complicated for him. Start slow!
Back to the comment…the part that stung the most to me is looks. The dream of seeing myself physically in my child hasn’t left. It hurts me that my 1 cell wasn’t good enough to create a child. But you I can’t hid from the truth, Ant isn’t genetically related to me! There I said it! Are you happy? I am! I am happy because even though we don’t share these genes my love for you is overwhelming.
One of my Favorite show is “Private Practice.” No, idea why it appeals to me but I end up watching it every week. This season the story line with Addison TTC with a sperm donor has me wondering if I can continue to watch. When this show start 5 years ago they talked about how her last egg was passing her by. Now they have this story line?!?
Am I just a pessimist and don’t want this character to get her happy ending? Or would I just rather them portray a more realistic choice for someone her age like egg donation?
Miracles are good but a show like this is giving women over the age of 40 false hope. They are creating the same misconception that celebrities create by have pregnancies into their late 40′s with out tell the truth of how they really conceived.
Part of me feels guilty for not wanting this fictional character to get pregnant with her own eggs. On the “Private Practice” site they had a survey:
What do you thinks: Is Addison pregnant?
- Yes, Finally!
- No, it is going to be devastating.
- I want her to be, but I don’t think she will be.
- I don’t want her to be, but I think she will be.
I am sure you can guess my choice. ”I don’t want her to be, but I think she will be.” No surprise that “Yes, Finally” is in the lead.
I just don’t know what else to say on the matter. I just don’t want her to get pregnant on the show. I feel it would be a step backwards for the infertility community.
Tell me about other infertility story lines that you don’t agree with on your favorite TV shows?
I know I have posted about this before but we need a word. Donor/egg donor is to impersonal, Donor/Genetic Mother sounds to personal. I need something in the middle. This word needs to be heart felt and have special meaning.
While at work today I was brain storming:
Monor…LOL that doesn’t work (I think egg donors would be offended)
Dother…nope don’t like that either
I am thinking making up a new word would be best. We are talking 3rd party here, so why not make up our own language
“”I’ve heard parents say, and this is what they tell their children, ‘Oh it was just a piece of genetic material. It was just a donated cell.’”
The message is well-intentioned, she says: We love you, that’s all that matters. But Kramer has surveyed hundreds of donor families and says that approach can make children feel they’re betraying parents if they later want to explore their biological heritage.”
I read this quote in a recent post titled, “A New Openness For Donor Kids About Their Biology” on NPR. This really struck a chord with me because I often refer to our donors donation as one cell. The last thing I want to do is minimize our donors part in Ant’s creation. She is the reason he is here…it was her generosity.
It always strikes me when I read someone calling the donor the mother, but part of me is starting to come to terms with this. Yes, she shares genetics with Ant, so in some ways she is his mother. The insecure infertile in me hates the idea of sharing this title with anyone, but now that I am a mother I know that my brutal honesty with myself about her role will be healthier for Ant. I don’t want him to be ashamed of his conception. I want Ant to feel comfortable talking to me about his donor (mother), his biology. I can’t believe I just wrote that!
Being a parents is about putting your child first. Ant, you are #1. Honesty is #1. If this means I have to share the title of mother then I am willing to share it.
Today Ant got to meet two of the men involved in his conception. The top picture is of us and our amazing RE Dr. Widra. He listened to our needs helped guide us gently to the decision to use an egg donor to conceive. Below is Dr. Kahn, he was the RE who did our ET. The funny thing is Dr. Kahn looks a lot like my dad.
To my dear readers, I will be blogging again soon. I have been very busy with work. Missing writing and reading your blogs.