3 Years, Loss, and Infertility

On Monday Ant will be 3 years old. It has gone by so fast. Last year around this time I got very depressed about not being pregnant with our second child and knowing we were several years away was a hard pill to swallow. Some how I got passed it and have been enjoying life.

At the end of January my Grandma passed. She was my last living grandparent and I still haven’t dealt with this loss yet. Ant and I flew home to spend time with my family and it was great but my younger sister is pregnant with her third and see her pregnant is very hard for me. I am so jealous of how easy it is for her to conceive.

This trip has reignited my desire and want for a second child coupled with Ant’s birthday has made it even harder. Most the time I am staying positive but the soonest we will be able to start again is next year around this time. It is hard being patient.

Dear God

Dear God,

We have become very close the last 6 months and I feel very blessed to have found a new church home. This new church home has taught me many things and has helped me to get to the place of understanding I am at today. I enjoy thanking you for my many blessings and enjoy praying for others but I have found there is one thing I am afraid to ask for. I am afraid to pray for another child. Maybe it is the many years of unanswered prayers?  You did eventually answer our prayers with the blessing of our son Ant with the help of an egg donor.

During my trip home I was faced with my failures (or what feels like my failures).  While I am excited for my sister’s blessings but I am just green with envy of how easy it is for her to add to her family.  Watching Ant play with all his cousins and their siblings rekindled my longing to add to our family.

Lord her is my official prayer, I want to add to our family! I want to lift it up to you and you can guide us down this path.  Whether you bless us with a little miracle, 100% genetic sibling to Ant, embryo donation, or adoption: I would feel blessed to have another opportunity  to raise another child.

Thank Lord for all of your blessings.

Bitter is not Better

Over the years of IF I have met many people and created many new friends.  I will fully admit I have bitter moments but they don’t happen very often anymore.  About a week ago I had a bitter moment because it seemed everyone on Facebook was pregnant again.  While I am 100% 98% happy that we are not pregnant or planning to cycle anytime soon but that little bit of jealousy or bitterness sneaks up on me.

While my IF friends some still in the trenches and others have graduated can still be very bitter and judgments of our so-called “fertile friends.”  We are surrounded by fertile people or the single people who are surrounded by married people.  There are just things we suck at for me it is getting pregnant.  I am just done with bitterness because it brings me down to dark places and I love the light.  I love my family and the many blessing it has given me. I want to leave the bitterness behind and focus on the future.

When Life Feels Almost Perfect

It has been a long time since I have posted.  There has been a lot going on but not much to write about.  Tonight was the first night in a long time I felt the need to write down feelings.  Sorry if this makes no sense but these are just some “Late Night Ramblings.”

Late night ramblings:

For the most part things have been going great.  I feel so blessed…but there is still a little part of me that is still a little depressed.  In my now very busy everyday life there is very little time to confront this feeling but when I find down time this feeling creeps up on me.

There is no real reason for me to feel this way because today turned out perfectly.  The dentist appointment for my crown happened.  There were many things that could have prevented this appointment but everything just worked out.  Also, when it came time to pay this week just happens to be “crown week” when you get $100 off your crown.  How is that possible that everything worked out perfectly today.

Now after a “perfect” day I feel a little sad.  My heart aches.  Maybe a few to many references to infertility today.  Maybe I am nervous for my mid-term tomorrow.

Infertility has been a part of my life for at least 5 years now.  Since we started TTC in 2006 I am finally out of the fog of infertility but there are still a few times when infertility sneaks up on me.  After a perfect day, she rears her ugly head to remind me that no everything goes perfectly.  Obviously in my late 20’s we needed an egg donor to conceive our amazing son.  Infertility keeps me grounded but I don’t always want to be grounded because I want to have faith again.  I am not going to let infertility hold me back anymore.  Infertility has stolen enough from me (us).

Infertility you may make my heart ache still but you will not be stealing anything else from me.  You get this hour but no more.  You are not bringing me down again!


I miss blogging

Grad school has taken over my free time.  The evening time that I used to spend blogging is now taken up with grad school homework.  For the first time every I find myself trying to get my homework done as soon as possible.  As a working, grad student, mom I have to utilize every spare moment possible.

There is so much going on.

#1 I seem to have found a place of peace and I don’t think it is temporary.  My cycles has come and gone with no worry about possible pregnancy.  Life is just going on.  About 2 months ago I heard an amazing sermon titled “No if, but when.”  After I started changing how I thought about building our family it became easier to deal with now.  Now instead of saying “if we have a second,”  I say, “when we have our second child.”  With everything happening in our lives we know that now is not the time to be adding to our family.

#2 Faith: It is absolutely amazing how my faith has changed in the last 6 months.  While we were TTC my faith in God was tested.  At times I thought how the H*LL could he do this to us.  Granted this journey was hard but the bigger picture is setting in.

#3 Work and Grad School: Work has been keeping me very busy. Last year I was spoiled with an AMAZING work schedule.  I am wishing I had started back to grad school last year now.  This year my work schedule is very hard.  Not only am I teaching my max number of classes but they rearranged where they are placed making the ends of my days very long. Then adding being out of the house 2 nights a week and homework…BUSY!!!!

Well, I want to say more but my play time is up.  I am here just busy!

Life Update

I have been struggling to write, so I am just going to bullet point what has been going on.

  • My younger sister is pregnant AGAIN with #3 (if you know me IRL please don’t go posting on her FB pages she hasn’t gone public yet).  I am so glad my sister doesn’t have to go through this journey but I am so jealous at times.  I long for another child and know the hoops will have to jump through to conceive again (ex. DE, embryo adoption).  It is just absolutely amazing to me some times how we can be genetically related.  She is super fertile and I am super infertile.
  • AF (TMI alert) My currently cycle has been weird.  I started spotting 4 days before my actually cycle started (abnormal for me).  Then AF was lighter then normal.  The worst part is I have been bleeding or spotting for almost 2 weeks now (Thursday will be 2 weeks).  I am just ready to be done wearing pads.
  • Found out my friends who have been married for 11 years are pregnant with twins!!!  I am so excited for them because their IF journey was much longer then ours.  They tried many options and are now expecting.  M if you are reading this:  I miss you guys already, it was so nice visiting with you and T.  Can’t wait till you guys live closer again. :)
  • Found out grad school credits have a 7 year window! FUCK!  I started my masters 7 years ago this past summer.  Those credit now don’t count towards my masters.  To top off the bad news I failed my placement exam and was told I wasn’t going to be able to take the class I needed this semester.
  • Good News:  Pleaded my case to my professor and she let me into the theory class I need.  Also, I figured out I can finish my masters in a year and half if they approve my 8 year window extension.  This means I will be starting work on my masters project ASAP (eck!)
  • I have a new motto that I am going to share with you in a later post!

I want to drink the water

People often talk about how if you drink water for a specific place you will end up pregnant.  One of my favorite bargain sites just put up a post about drinking from their water cooler if you wanted to get pregnant.  Right now is one of those moments when I want to drink the water and I WANT to be pregnant!

The realist in me knows now isn’t the time.  We are getting so close to getting our family in a better place, so we can be ready for another child.  Since we have Ant the idea of adding to our family is more complicated.  We aren’t just thinking about the 2 of us but Ant too.  We need to be responsible about this.  I guess we learned something from the first time around, kids are expensive (especially for us).

I want to drink the water!!!

Just having an emotional moment, thank yo for listening.

IF Trigger and Favorite Thing

imageWhile visiting my family I got to visit with my 3 new nieces and nephew.  In my previous post “Distance can be a good thing”, how holding my sleeping niece made my heart ache and yearn for a second child.  Now that we have been home for a while I am starting to wonder if all sleeping babies make me feel this way of just baby girls.

Since I was a little girl and dreaming of babies I dreamed of having my own little girl (our American Girl).  Holding these 3 sleeping little girls was one of my favorite things during our family visit.  But my favorite thing also made my heartache!  My heart yearned to hold our little girl of our dreams.

Infertility has taught me that you can feel several emotions at the same time.  While holding my nieces I experienced this.  The pure joy of holding a sleeping baby and being able to drink in their sweet smell (I love the way babies smell).  At the same time feeling sadness and loss from our infertility.

Does this happen to you?  Do you have a favorite thing that is also a IF trigger?


Distance can be a good thing…

My blog has been quiet for the last couple week because we have been traveling.  We live on the opposite side of the country from our families and we only see them a few times a year.  There are times when I miss them but right now we are happy to finally be home.

Our vacation (family visit) started with my family.  I will start off by saying I love my family but they lack the filter necessary for me to enjoy a long stay with them.  They are very opinionated and VERY fertile.  Over the last 6 years I have become a pro at dealing with these things but it is very emotionally draining.

The trip started off with the baptism of the newest set of twins.  While I am excited my brother picked us to be the God parents, baptisms are still hard for me.  Surprisingly, I did great until I had to take my sleeping niece away from my SIL.  For the end of the service I held her and I found myself drinking in her smell.  There is nothing better then the smell of a baby.  As my nose drank in her smell my heart began to ache for the child I still long for.  As these feelings took over, it took every bit of my self control to keep from crying.  Somehow is survived without bursting into tears but it was becoming very obvious how much I desire a second child.

While visiting my family I wish I could share these inner most feelings with them but they give me the standard answers. “You will have another one.” Truly all I want is someone to listen, accept, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on.

There is much more to tell but it is time to do laundry and buy some groceries.  Three week away from home means now food in the house and LOTS of cat hair!

Movie Trailer that

DH and I finally got out for a date Thursday and we went and saw “Magic Mike.”  During the previews I was completely caught off guard.  There was nothing I could do to hold back my tears and the hurt that IF brought to my life. After parenting for over 2 years it still catches me off guard when I see trailers or hear stories about IF.

Do you still have moments like these?