Snowy Day

1898229_10152031740178335_815329120_n After many years of living with infertility I have learned that life is short.  It is so important to not let life pass you by.  At the end of February we traveled to Disney World for Ant’s 4th birthday and to celebrate our 10 year anniversary.  It was an amazing trip and I look forward to going back soon.

While in Disney World Ant ran his first race and I ran my second half marathon.  Ant loves running as much as his mother and I see many races in his future.  The Princess Half Marathon was amazing.  I look forward to next time when I am not rehabbing.  There are many more races in my future.


This picture is from today. We got another 6+ inches of snow and Ant was helping me remove it from my care.

FET is going as planned, all we need to do is some blood work and pick a transfer date.  Transfer day will be here before I know it.

Mix of emotions

I had my mock transfer yesterday and it has created a mix of emotions.  In the last 4 years I have enjoyed my freedom from infertility (minus a melt down or two).  For the first time in a long time we were living and enjoying our lives.  In the last 10 days I have had 3 fertility appointments!  It is exciting to know that the ball is rolling and Totsicle will come home with us soon but it also brings fear, jealousy, and apprehension.

For the first time in a long time I was in tears.  I was so overwhelmed that I have almost convinced myself that if this doesn’t work then we are done.  I may waiver on this later but I have decided that fertility testing is not for me.  It is to time consuming and restricting.

Now that I am over 24hrs removed I am feeling better about everything and all this test has brought a new found appreciation of the many blessings in our lives.  I hope in the next couple days to write an update about Ant.  He is such an amazing little boy, we have been so blessed.

When to transfer?

The whole prospect of adding to our family is very exciting but I am finding this time around very different.  My initial thoughts were participate in my last schedule race and transfer Tosicle.  Since we are planning this time around there is a window of time I would like #2 to be born.  I figure if we have to use fertility treatments, we might as well us them to our advantage.

The first time around I gave up many things while TTC and it was a long hard 3 years.  Now that Ant is 4 I am finally starting to feel like I have regain myself.  I love being an athlete, participating in running races and triathlons.   My fear is that if this FET I could get swept up into the black hole of infertility.

I have two Triathlons planned for this summer one early summer and one late summer. My ultimate goal was to complete an Olympic distance triathlon and this is planned for early summer but I am already registered for my late summer race and I am afraid to skip it because what if the FET doesn’t work?  Will I regret it?  My DH has also requested that he be there when we find out if it worked.  If we wait till after the race he won’t be here and EDD would be later then I would prefer.

Compared to the first time around, these seem like insignificant problems but they are the ones I am stuck on.  These thoughts have been swirling for about a day now and I am starting to lean one direction but the fear holds me back.

Dear Totsicle

Dear Totsicle,
(Our frozen embryo)

This week we met with the RE about bringing you home.  At this point I am excited and scared. I am excited about the possibility of your older brother Ant having a baby sister or brother (BTW: your brother has requested a sister).

Over the last 5 years your dad and I have struggled with when the right time would be to add to our family.  If it was up to me, you would have been here already but I am glad that we have waited.  By the time you are here I will have my masters degree and your big brother will be getting ready for Kindergarten.

This is a scary time also because the RE gives us a 50% chance of you snuggling.  We want our baby #2 to be you.  Are we going to be lucky a second time? Or will we have to explore more options.  My dear Totsicle I hope and pray that you snuggle in.


Your Hopeful Future Mom



Planning for Transfer

We have known for awhile that in 2014 we would transfer our last embryo.  Part of me has been anxiously awaiting adding to our family.  In the last 6 months my life has completely changed.  In May I started training for a Sprint Triathlon with my girlfriends.  In the process of training, I remembered how much I love competing.  I have found myself again!  It has been absolutely amazing.

Now here we just over a month away from 2014 and there is a plan.  My plan for 2014 is jam packed of races and transferring our little tosicle.  Currently, I have 2 half marathons, 2 sprint triathlons, and hopefully an Olympic distance triathlon.  Of course there will be more races but these ones will happen.  After my last race the plan is to transfer our little totsicle.

With transfer being less then a year away it means it is time to make contact with my RE again.  I am not excited about having to go through IF testing again or being on any fertility meds.  The roller coaster is not the ride I want to be on.  I just rediscovered myself and I don’t want to get lost again.

I hope to find more time to blog again.  I need this outlet with our up coming transfer.

Fall time fun!

Fall time fun!

The Dreaded Question

Some how we have made it almost 4 years without Ant asking this question. “When am I going to have a sister or brother?” Tonight as I am putting him to bed he asks me. Granted I am in shock over other news but I was caught off guard. Many of his friends have sibling but he hasn’t shown any interest until today.

Currently, I am feeling a little vulnerable. Back in August, Ant and I decided it was time to wean. I miss breastfeeding but we had the perfect ending. We both can still talk about it fondly. Race season is winding down (I am now a triathlete and a runner) and my focus is on other things. DH and I have started talking about when we want to transfer our tosicle too.

I was not ready for his question!

We have a plan for our sweet tosicle and I pray everything works out.  Hopefully I can blog more later but I am exhausted.

Totsicle: Time to renew

This week we received the paperwork for “totsicle.”  Totsicle has been on ice for 3 years now.  I often think about our family planning.  Every year I have opened this letter and start to think about when it will be time to do the FET.  Right now still isn’t the time, as  much as I would like it to be.  It breaks my heart but it all comes down to MONEY.  Realistically looking at finances we could transfer Totsicle in 2 years.

At times it is hard to accept this path that was chosen for us but I am so grateful for my renewed faith.  I will talk about this more in a later post.

Till, the time to transfer Totsicle I guess I am going to live my life to its fullest.  First enjoy Ant as much as possible, I know life will change once we are finally able to add to our family.  Finally finish my Masters degree!  If I take classes every semester and summer I will be finished in 2 years.  Go on a family vacation that doesn’t involve visiting family.  Since moving away we have been on 1 vacation and I think that was about 5 years ago.  It is time for a vacation.



After lots of ups and downs over the last 7 years, I believe I am finally at a place of acceptance of our situation.  The chances of us conceiving with my eggs is pretty much slim to none but I accept that Ant could possibly be our only child but I am open to many other ways to building our family.

Currently, we aren’t trying but we are not preventing.  It took a few cycle to get to this point but I am feeling at peace and can enjoy life without the constant worry about being pregnant, missing ovulation, or even missing my last viable egg.  Life is moving and I don’t want to miss out on any of Ant special moments in life because I am so wrapped up in creating a brother or sister for him.

There are still moments where I ache to make Ant a big brother but those moments happen less and less.  Just this past week someone commented on when there was going to be a #2 because Ant was being a helper to one of the babies at breastfeeding support group.  It is getting so easy to brush off these comments.

With all family building plans far in the future, it is easier to enjoy life.  There is still a lot of uncertainty about what steps we are going to take but for now that doesn’t matter.  When it is time we will make the decision.  The only decision set in stone is a FET sometime.  After that no decision has been made.

Shake the Crazies Out

After 3 years of TTC, 9 months of pregnancy, almost 2 years since Ant’s birth, and I am finally starting to feel like myself again!!!

This past month I have been focusing on bettering myself and not worrying about completing our family.  After 3 months of tracking my cycle I realize how crazy it makes me feel.  I would rather focus my crazies on eating right and exercising.

Granted, I still have my moments.  At my weekly breastfeeding support group, I found out one of the mothers was newly pregnant and her little one wasn’t even a year yet!  There was a little tightness and then I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the group.  This situations will always present themselves, so I need to be prepared and let them just roll off.  Now that I am not in denial about our situation anymore it is easier to let to move past these moments.  It helps to remind myself that someday my family will be complete.

Today I did have a moment when Ant was playing with his baby doll and I could just imagine him being a great big brother now.  But these are just small moments in the big picture.  No matter what Ant will be a great big brother at 2, 3,4 etc.  It doesn’t matter when (even though it feels like it should be happen now at times).

It is great to feel like myself again and I will keep striving to enjoy every moment…time passes so quickly now.