This week we received the paperwork for “totsicle.” Totsicle has been on ice for 3 years now. I often think about our family planning. Every year I have opened this letter and start to think about when it will be time to do the FET. Right now still isn’t the time, as much as I would like it to be. It breaks my heart but it all comes down to MONEY. Realistically looking at finances we could transfer Totsicle in 2 years.
At times it is hard to accept this path that was chosen for us but I am so grateful for my renewed faith. I will talk about this more in a later post.
Till, the time to transfer Totsicle I guess I am going to live my life to its fullest. First enjoy Ant as much as possible, I know life will change once we are finally able to add to our family. Finally finish my Masters degree! If I take classes every semester and summer I will be finished in 2 years. Go on a family vacation that doesn’t involve visiting family. Since moving away we have been on 1 vacation and I think that was about 5 years ago. It is time for a vacation.
After lots of ups and downs over the last 7 years, I believe I am finally at a place of acceptance of our situation. The chances of us conceiving with my eggs is pretty much slim to none but I accept that Ant could possibly be our only child but I am open to many other ways to building our family.
Currently, we aren’t trying but we are not preventing. It took a few cycle to get to this point but I am feeling at peace and can enjoy life without the constant worry about being pregnant, missing ovulation, or even missing my last viable egg. Life is moving and I don’t want to miss out on any of Ant special moments in life because I am so wrapped up in creating a brother or sister for him.
There are still moments where I ache to make Ant a big brother but those moments happen less and less. Just this past week someone commented on when there was going to be a #2 because Ant was being a helper to one of the babies at breastfeeding support group. It is getting so easy to brush off these comments.
With all family building plans far in the future, it is easier to enjoy life. There is still a lot of uncertainty about what steps we are going to take but for now that doesn’t matter. When it is time we will make the decision. The only decision set in stone is a FET sometime. After that no decision has been made.
After 3 years of TTC, 9 months of pregnancy, almost 2 years since Ant’s birth, and I am finally starting to feel like myself again!!!
This past month I have been focusing on bettering myself and not worrying about completing our family. After 3 months of tracking my cycle I realize how crazy it makes me feel. I would rather focus my crazies on eating right and exercising.
Granted, I still have my moments. At my weekly breastfeeding support group, I found out one of the mothers was newly pregnant and her little one wasn’t even a year yet! There was a little tightness and then I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of the group. This situations will always present themselves, so I need to be prepared and let them just roll off. Now that I am not in denial about our situation anymore it is easier to let to move past these moments. It helps to remind myself that someday my family will be complete.
Today I did have a moment when Ant was playing with his baby doll and I could just imagine him being a great big brother now. But these are just small moments in the big picture. No matter what Ant will be a great big brother at 2, 3,4 etc. It doesn’t matter when (even though it feels like it should be happen now at times).
It is great to feel like myself again and I will keep striving to enjoy every moment…time passes so quickly now.
This weekend was filled with actives of normal parents. We had A birthday party, played at the park, and spending time with MIL. Since coming to terms with where we are right now (not in the position to have #2), these activities have become more enjoyable. My longing and desire are still there but they are in check for now.
During the birthday party, I had the opportunity to hold my friend’s new son. He was just a few weeks old but it has been months since I have held a little baby. Part of me is jealous that her family is now complete and we are still waiting to complete ours but she has her own struggles. I enjoyed holding her son and a little bit of peace came over me. The idea that someday my family will be complete also either through totsicle, adoption, or a little miracle baby.
To make this waiting period bearable I need to let go of a lot of negative feelings I have towards fertile people. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fertile friends but I am just so jealous of how easy it is for them. Also, I can’t isolate myself. This means I have to get over myself and talk to other mothers like a “normal” person. I need to be able to talk about child birth and whatever else fertile people talk about and not hold my fertility issues against them.
These passed two months I have been
a little very baby crazy. There have been a few times since Ant’s birth that I felt the overwhelming desire to have a second child but these last two have been the hardest. I studied my chart several times a day to see if I thought ovulation was happening or if I thought my BBT was showing me I was pregnant. The obsession was taking over and driving me crazy. To top it of the flood of pregnancy/birth announcements and the birth of 3 new babies in my family made it hard to hid my desire.
Over the last few days I have had some time to reflect and realize where this path is taking me. Where I am heading is to that deep dark depressing hole that I lived in for years. The last thing I want is to return there. This means there are some changes that NEED to happen.
As much as I want to be pregnant NOW, it just isn’t in the cards right now.
- We can’t afford an FET right now
- Ant is still breastfeeding
- I am not ready to adopt yet (and there is no money to adopt)
- It would have to happen on its own (and we already know how likely that is)
So, where does this leave me and what should I do?
Well, #1 is no more BBT and #2 enjoy life! If infertility hasn’t taught me anything is that I wasted years being depressed trying to get pregnant. I will not waste anymore time! Ant is here and growing fast. The last thing I want is to miss out because I was to consumed with having a second child.
Here is the plan (I love to plan):
- Still take Vitex (since it seems to be helping my cycle)
- Work on eating healthier and being healthier as a family
- EXERCISING DAILY!!!
- Save money and pay off all debts due to all our fertility treatments.
- Enjoy breastfeeding Ant till he is ready to wean (or I am ready to wean)
- No more checking charts, cervical mucus, or check temperatures
- Enjoy Ant and DH
This doesn’t mean I am giving up but just putting everything in “God’s hands!” As much as I dislike that phrase, it is what I am doing.
Our Christmas was AMAZING and Ant was completely spoiled. Ant is doing much better. We are down to just a few nebulizer treatments a day and he is finishing up his antibiodics. His sleep if FINALLY starting to return to normal. While he was sick he was waking up every 2hrs to nurse!!! This equaled a VERY tired mommy. Last night though he slept through the night. I woke up at 6:00 wondering why he hadn’t woken up yet.
Well, AF has come and gone again. It seems the vitex helped this cycle because ovulation was on day 15 and my luteal phase was 14 days long!! Win for vitex and normalizing my cycle. The plan is to stay on vitex as long as it lengthens my cycles. As for cramps they weren’t nearly as bad as my previous cycle. I am still confused as to why that cycle was so painful but who knows. If it happens again I will call my OB if not, I will just wait for my annual appointment.
After having a rough month emotionally about TTC, I have concluded that temping is NOT my friend. During my cycle I am constantly checking my chart and analyzing every temp. It was very exciting making it to a 14 day luteal phase but it also gave me hope that we could have conceived. So, for my sanity it is time to stop temping and just enjoy this next year with DH and Ant. Big guy upstairs, I am leaving it up to you!
So much more to talk about but DH is waiting for me to watch a movie!
Welcome to all the ICLWers! If you don’t know what ICLW stands for it is International Comment Leaving Week. If you want more information about ICLW just click on the red icon to the right of this post.
A little about me, I am a mom to my amazing DS Ant who was conceived with the help of an egg donor. We opted to use an egg donor after almost 3 years of TTC (High FSH and 2 failed IVFs). We were very luck to get pregnant the first time and for the most part had an uneventful pregnancy. Now Ant is almost 2 and I am longing for another child. We have been TTC naturally since AF returned 7 months ago. This cycle I started vitex and I am waiting for AF to come (or not to come).
I also blog for Fertility Authority and my most recent post is about secondary infertility. If you get a chance please stop by and read it. It is a great post about my current state of mind.
Please read, come back and tell me what you think!
Sorry, I have been MIA this past week and missed last weeks Tasty Tuesday. After the holidays settle I will get back on track. Right now I am just surviving and getting prepared for CHRISTMAS!!! So very excited and can’t wait for Ant to open his presents.
Here is my chart so far: I started taking Vitex a few days after AF left. According to Fertility Friend I ovulated on CD 15 (GREAT!) and so far my Luteal Phase is 12 days long.
Yoga on the other hand has not been going so good. I have opted to just walk for 30mins each night at this point do to an shoulder injury (I trip over a curb). When I was doing the Yoga on a regular basis, I was starting to notice a few changes in how I felt. As soon as my shoulder is better, it is time to get back to Yoga!
Emotionally, I am doing ok. During the week things are great but the weekends are hard. Maybe it is do to all the contact I have with other mothers. My new focus is staying positive and not going to “the dark side.” The last thing I want is to fall into a depression. Secondary Infertility is hard to explain…I am so deeply greatful and loving being a parent but there is a part of me who feel incomplete. There is just something missing.
What do you think about my chart? Getting excited to see how long my luteal phase is going to be!
It is time to block some people on facebook again. I don’t blame people anymore for posting pictures of their children on facebook or sonogram photos anymore because I did it. It is your right to share these things with your friends and family. In the last couple months it seem like the whole world is pregnant AGAIN! Almost all of my friends who were pregnant when I was pregnant are now pregnant AGAIN! Normal but I am finding myself gazing at their pregnant photo bellies with envy. I WANT TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN TOO!!
If I was as fertile as the rest of my family I would be pregnant by now with #2. My dream of possibly tandem nursing would be possible but for us to transfer our last ‘totsicle’ I would have to stop breastfeeding (which is NOT happening).
Today we attended a cookie swap at a friends house and it was nice meeting other people. We actually had a great time but 2 of the other women were VERY pregnant w/ their second children. I handled it well but all these pregnant bellies are starting to get to me.
Now that I find myself standing in the middle of fertiles and infertiles it is overwhelming. At times it feels like I don’t fit in either world. I can talk both languages but neither of them wants to listen. I am not fertile but I have a kid already soo I don’t feel like I fit in the infertile world either anymore. Secondary infertility is confusing.
Time to stop the torture at least on facebook. Time to use amazing block feature known to me as the infertile button.
Two steps forward and one step back but at least I am moving in the right direction! Last week I was rocking all of the changes but this week has been a halfway effort. My excuse was my friend was staying with us, so I couldn’t do yoga in the basement as normal. But that was just an excuse. No more excuses!
I love my yoga for fertility DVD! When I do get my tired butt out of bed I really enjoy the DVD. As of last week made it through the first 30mins (the hard part). My goal was to be able to do the whole DVD by the end of this week. It is now Wednesday and I haven’t even attempted the DVD once this week (After I am done with this blog I might try).
Supplements are going good minus the B6. I realized my multivitamin already had 40mg in it and taking an addition 100mg was TOO much. This means I am currently just taking the vitex. Unfortunately, I won’t know if the vitex is working for at least 3 months. Time to just wait and see.
My diet is getting better, FINALLY! Minus this past weekend, I eat meat rarely and enjoying adding new recipes to my vegan rotation. We are also trying to get out less. As a family we have always been terrible at this. Neither DH or myself consider ourselves good cooks but we are trying to get better. Last week, I believe I cooked 4 out of the 5 work day which is great for us. I am hoping this trend continues.
This currently cycle has been different than previous cycle. Ovulation pain this month lasted for 3 days and I expect my temps to jump tomorrow (based on future cycles, cervical mucus and other things). DH and I are having fun trying to catch that egg. The ovulation pain again makes me worried about endo. Maybe I just creating these symptoms but if AF is painful again like last cycle, I am calling my OB! My dear friend with endo how do you live with this pain all the time?!?
Wish us luck! Maybe we will get our miracle? (Optimist: It could happen!) (Realist: Haha, now that is a funny one.)