Tag Archives: Egg Donation

The Comment You Never Approve

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“You are not your sons genetic mother though right? That one cell has the largest impact on how the child looks, grows, diseases, even traits like intelligence and sometimes habits. You are your sons mother through and through but he does have an important figure out there. I really think it’ll be best for you to come to terms with this.”

This comment was posted to “I am the Mom!” This comment has been sitting in my comment box for about 6 months now.

When I first received this comment I was livid.  How dare someone tell me I am not his genetic mother?  As time passes and I come to terms with everything there is some truth in this comment.  There is a part of me that I will never share with Ant.  I have known this from the start.  This comment just reminds me of my insecurities about egg donation.

Recently I had a conversation with someone on twitter about disclosure.  She has a friend who has children via egg donation also.  While they were discussing disclosure her friend told her to not disclose while her children were young.  The reason for this mother not disclosing early is fear.  The fear of her child telling her, “You aren’t my mommy.”  As a parent via egg donation fear of rejection top my list.  There is no doubt in my mind that some day those words will come out of Ant’s mouth (most likely in anger).

Fear of rejection can’t run our lives.  We need to be open an honest with our children and put them first.  Would someone let you adopt if you weren’t going to disclose to the child? One of the most important things as a parent is being open and honest with your child from the very beginning.  Ant knows he is a very special boy and how much we love him.  He will grow up always knowing about his conception, it is not to complicated for him.  Start slow!

Back to the comment…the part that stung the most to me is looks.  The dream of seeing myself physically in my child hasn’t left.  It hurts me that my 1 cell wasn’t good enough to create a child.  But you I can’t hid from the truth, Ant isn’t genetically related to me!  There I said it!  Are you happy?  I am!  I am happy because even though we don’t share these genes my love for you is overwhelming.

Secondary Infertility and ICLW

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Welcome to all the ICLWers!  If you don’t know what ICLW stands for it is International Comment Leaving Week.  If you want more information about ICLW just click on the red icon to the right of this post.

A little about me, I am a mom to my amazing DS Ant who was conceived with the help of an egg donor.  We opted to use an egg donor after almost 3 years of TTC (High FSH and 2 failed IVFs).  We were very luck to get pregnant the first time and for the most part had an uneventful pregnancy.  Now Ant is almost 2 and I am longing for another child. We have been TTC naturally since AF returned 7 months ago.  This cycle I started vitex and I am waiting for AF to come (or not to come).

I also blog for Fertility Authority and my most recent post is about secondary infertility.  If you get a chance please stop by and read it.  It is a great post about my current state of mind.

Please read, come back and tell me what you think!

Who Does Ant Look Like?

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I truly thought I didn’t have to worry about this question anymore.  I figure the whole world knows and people won’t ask.  The question, “Who does Ant look like?” doesn’t bother me, but how do you answer it?  My currently response was DH because he does or we answer like Grandpa.  I know parents love hearing their children look like them but for me this question catches me off guard.

During a recent get together we were asked this question, “Who does Ant look like?”  Of course we went with our normal response of DH and Grandpa but a part of me wanted to say our egg donor.

Recently, I have been looking at her profile and childhood pictures.  I can see the resemblance.  Does this bother me? No, not really but should it be a part of my response when people ask who Ant looks like?

After the party I was talking with DH about how a part of me wanted to tell people Ant looks like his egg donor.  DH told me this was inappropriate but it would shut people up pretty quickly.  To me that sounded like a win win but I must remember how this might make Ant feel later.

I used to think this question would bother me but it doesn’t.  Ant looks the way he looks and he looks this way because of his conception.  I love his cute little curls in his hair.  I love the way he sticks out his fat little lower lip when he pouts.  I love his cute little belly button.  There isn’t one thing about Ant that I don’t love.

How would you respond to this question?

I chose to be childless for 3 years?

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One of my dear friends sent me the link to this article in the New York Times. It is written by a women who underwent IF treatments but after failed IVF decided to live a childless life. This article intrigued me since I know some way and some how I wanted to be a parent. I have found the danger of writing a article about IF for the general public is you have people who don’t understand IF respond. Here is one comment that hit me hard.

“It is interesting to me that most women who are infertile speak of their childless state as though it is something out of their control. They need to be honest and admit that being childless is their choice. There are literally millions of children out there who need good homes. If your goals are family and motherhood, why is adoption given such short shrift? Why not just be honest and admit that family and parenting aren’t your goals, but rather genetic preservation or perhaps just the state of being pregnant? While Ms. Little cursorily addresses adoption by demeaning those who have suggested it to her and tries to save face by praising those who do adopt, it doesn’t seem to me that she has honestly examined her motives for not wanting to consider adoption.”— ML

My problem with her comment is that she is saying that I was choosing to be childless. Obviously, she has never dealt with IF because no one chooses IF. Yes, I choose not to adopt but that was because I wanted to experience the joy of being pregnant and feeling my child grow inside of me. Also as a mother to be of a donor egg baby genetics aren’t the most important thing to me. Yes, I dreamed of having my own biological child but I came to a point where it was more important to be pregnant and carry my child then biology. Other IF couples who adopt come to the same conclusion but decided it is more important to parent then have a biological child.

I think infertilies who decide not to adopt are misunderstood. Adoption isn’t for everyone and is a long expensive process. I know several people who adopted children and they understand that it is a choice. Adoption isn’t a guaranteed thing, I have heard many stories from couples who went through failed adoptions. If this couple went through IF treatments they have already been through lots of disappointment. They just might be to vulnerable to go through that disappointment again. I guess my point here is “just adopt” is never an appropriate answer to IF.

People who didn’t live through IF won’t ever completely understand the pain and disappointment it causes. IF has changed my life and has changed many of my views. Looking back on my 3 year journey to my baby, I wouldn’t go back and change much. I just hope other can learn from my struggles.

PS. To my fertile friends, don’t worry I still love you and I know you understand my struggles to the best of your ability. Thank you for your support during my journey. I was lucky to have understanding friends and I count my blessings daily.