Tag Archives: Infertility

Secondary Infertility and ICLW

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Welcome to all the ICLWers!  If you don’t know what ICLW stands for it is International Comment Leaving Week.  If you want more information about ICLW just click on the red icon to the right of this post.

A little about me, I am a mom to my amazing DS Ant who was conceived with the help of an egg donor.  We opted to use an egg donor after almost 3 years of TTC (High FSH and 2 failed IVFs).  We were very luck to get pregnant the first time and for the most part had an uneventful pregnancy.  Now Ant is almost 2 and I am longing for another child. We have been TTC naturally since AF returned 7 months ago.  This cycle I started vitex and I am waiting for AF to come (or not to come).

I also blog for Fertility Authority and my most recent post is about secondary infertility.  If you get a chance please stop by and read it.  It is a great post about my current state of mind.

Please read, come back and tell me what you think!

So Far, So Good

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Sorry, I have been MIA this past week and missed last weeks Tasty Tuesday.  After the holidays settle I will get back on track.  Right now I am just surviving and getting prepared for CHRISTMAS!!!  So very excited and can’t wait for Ant to open his presents.

Here is my chart so far:  I started taking Vitex a few days after AF left.  According to Fertility Friend I ovulated on CD 15 (GREAT!) and so far my Luteal Phase is 12 days long.

Yoga on the other hand has not been going so good.  I have opted to just walk for 30mins each night at this point do to an shoulder injury (I trip over a curb).  When I was doing the Yoga on a regular basis, I was starting to notice a few changes in how I felt.  As soon as my shoulder is better, it is time to get back to Yoga!

Emotionally, I am doing ok.  During the week things are great but the weekends are hard.  Maybe it is do to all the contact I have with other mothers.  My new focus is staying positive and not going to “the dark side.”  The last thing I want is to fall into a depression. Secondary Infertility is hard to explain…I am so deeply greatful and loving being a parent but there is a part of me who feel incomplete.  There is just something missing.

What do you think about my chart?  Getting excited to see how long my luteal phase is going to be!

Torturing Myself

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It is time to block some people on facebook again.  I don’t blame people anymore for posting pictures of their children on facebook or sonogram photos anymore because I did it.  It is your right to share these things with your friends and family.  In the last couple months it seem like the whole world is pregnant AGAIN!  Almost all of my friends who were pregnant when I was pregnant are now pregnant AGAIN!  Normal but I am finding myself gazing at their pregnant photo bellies with envy.  I WANT TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN TOO!!

If I was as fertile as the rest of my family I would be pregnant by now with #2.  My dream of possibly tandem nursing would be possible but for us to transfer our last ‘totsicle’ I would have to stop breastfeeding (which is NOT happening).

Today we attended a cookie swap at a friends house and it was nice meeting other people.  We actually had a great time but 2 of the other women were VERY pregnant w/ their second children.  I handled it well but all these pregnant bellies are starting to get to me.

Now that I find myself standing in the middle of fertiles and infertiles it is overwhelming.  At times it feels like I don’t fit in either world.  I can talk both languages but neither of them wants to listen.  I am not fertile but I have a kid already soo I don’t feel like I fit in the infertile world either anymore.  Secondary infertility is confusing.

Time to stop the torture at least on facebook.  Time to use amazing block feature known to me as the infertile button.

Yoga, Supplements, and Other Changes

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Two steps forward and one step back but at least I am moving in the right direction!  Last week I was rocking all of the changes but this week has been a halfway effort.  My excuse was my friend was staying with us, so I couldn’t do yoga in the basement as normal.  But that was just an excuse.  No more excuses!

I love my yoga for fertility DVD!  When I do get my tired butt out of bed I really enjoy the DVD.  As of last week made it through the first 30mins (the hard part).  My goal was to be able to do the whole DVD by the end of this week.  It is now Wednesday and I haven’t even  attempted the DVD once this week (After I am done with this blog I might try).

Supplements are going good minus the B6.  I realized my multivitamin already had 40mg in it and taking an addition 100mg was TOO much.  This means I am currently just taking the vitex.  Unfortunately, I won’t know if the vitex is working for at least 3 months.  Time to just wait and see.

My diet is getting better, FINALLY!  Minus this past weekend, I eat meat rarely and enjoying adding new recipes to my vegan rotation.  We are also trying to get out less.  As a family we have always been terrible at this.  Neither DH or myself consider ourselves good cooks but we are trying to get better.  Last week, I believe I cooked 4 out of the 5 work day which is great for us.  I am hoping this trend continues.

This currently cycle has been different than previous cycle.  Ovulation pain this month lasted for 3 days and I expect my temps to jump tomorrow (based on future cycles, cervical mucus and other things).  DH and I are having fun trying to catch that egg.  The ovulation pain again makes me worried about endo.  Maybe I just creating these symptoms but if AF is painful again like last cycle, I am calling my OB!  My dear friend with endo how do you live with this pain all the time?!?

Wish us luck!  Maybe we will get our miracle? (Optimist: It could happen!) (Realist: Haha, now that is a funny one.)

Vitex and B6

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This week I started taking Vitex and B6.  I figured lets give it a go and see it it lengthens my luteal phase and a double bonus of shortening my follicular phase.  Who know is this will happen or how long it will take to happen.  Also, I have decided after the holidays to see if I can swing going to my acupuncturist twice a month.  I miss her and it would be nice to get my body back in order again.

On top of the Vitex and B6, I started my Fertility Yoga DVD.  The first time I tired it after just 10 minutes my arms were shaking.  Today was the 4th time and my muscles are getting stronger.  I haven’t been able to complete the whole DVD yet but today I made it through the hard part.  My goal is to be able to do the whole DVD by the end of next week.  The only downside is I will have to wake up earlier to squeeze it all in.

It is weird to be at this point again, where my desire to have another child is so strong.  After Ant I figured 1 would be enough but now that he is getting older the desire is getting stronger again.  At times the bitter infertile sneaks out and I have to reel her back in.  Now that Ant is in my life I can’t let my infertility isolate us.  It is time to be strong, I wasted enough time while TTC Ant.

I will keep you posted on how this cycle goes.  Who knows what is coming: Pain? Longer cycle?  Shorter cycle?  Longer luteal phase?  Shorter Follicular phase?  Time to wait and see!

Who Does Ant Look Like?

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I truly thought I didn’t have to worry about this question anymore.  I figure the whole world knows and people won’t ask.  The question, “Who does Ant look like?” doesn’t bother me, but how do you answer it?  My currently response was DH because he does or we answer like Grandpa.  I know parents love hearing their children look like them but for me this question catches me off guard.

During a recent get together we were asked this question, “Who does Ant look like?”  Of course we went with our normal response of DH and Grandpa but a part of me wanted to say our egg donor.

Recently, I have been looking at her profile and childhood pictures.  I can see the resemblance.  Does this bother me? No, not really but should it be a part of my response when people ask who Ant looks like?

After the party I was talking with DH about how a part of me wanted to tell people Ant looks like his egg donor.  DH told me this was inappropriate but it would shut people up pretty quickly.  To me that sounded like a win win but I must remember how this might make Ant feel later.

I used to think this question would bother me but it doesn’t.  Ant looks the way he looks and he looks this way because of his conception.  I love his cute little curls in his hair.  I love the way he sticks out his fat little lower lip when he pouts.  I love his cute little belly button.  There isn’t one thing about Ant that I don’t love.

How would you respond to this question?

I chose to be childless for 3 years?

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One of my dear friends sent me the link to this article in the New York Times. It is written by a women who underwent IF treatments but after failed IVF decided to live a childless life. This article intrigued me since I know some way and some how I wanted to be a parent. I have found the danger of writing a article about IF for the general public is you have people who don’t understand IF respond. Here is one comment that hit me hard.

“It is interesting to me that most women who are infertile speak of their childless state as though it is something out of their control. They need to be honest and admit that being childless is their choice. There are literally millions of children out there who need good homes. If your goals are family and motherhood, why is adoption given such short shrift? Why not just be honest and admit that family and parenting aren’t your goals, but rather genetic preservation or perhaps just the state of being pregnant? While Ms. Little cursorily addresses adoption by demeaning those who have suggested it to her and tries to save face by praising those who do adopt, it doesn’t seem to me that she has honestly examined her motives for not wanting to consider adoption.”— ML

My problem with her comment is that she is saying that I was choosing to be childless. Obviously, she has never dealt with IF because no one chooses IF. Yes, I choose not to adopt but that was because I wanted to experience the joy of being pregnant and feeling my child grow inside of me. Also as a mother to be of a donor egg baby genetics aren’t the most important thing to me. Yes, I dreamed of having my own biological child but I came to a point where it was more important to be pregnant and carry my child then biology. Other IF couples who adopt come to the same conclusion but decided it is more important to parent then have a biological child.

I think infertilies who decide not to adopt are misunderstood. Adoption isn’t for everyone and is a long expensive process. I know several people who adopted children and they understand that it is a choice. Adoption isn’t a guaranteed thing, I have heard many stories from couples who went through failed adoptions. If this couple went through IF treatments they have already been through lots of disappointment. They just might be to vulnerable to go through that disappointment again. I guess my point here is “just adopt” is never an appropriate answer to IF.

People who didn’t live through IF won’t ever completely understand the pain and disappointment it causes. IF has changed my life and has changed many of my views. Looking back on my 3 year journey to my baby, I wouldn’t go back and change much. I just hope other can learn from my struggles.

PS. To my fertile friends, don’t worry I still love you and I know you understand my struggles to the best of your ability. Thank you for your support during my journey. I was lucky to have understanding friends and I count my blessings daily.